How I’ve Learned to Heal

Feel the pain.  As simple as that and as hard as that.  Feel the pain.  Don’t cover it up with pretending to be happy or positive thinking, don’t run away from it with drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships (romantic or platonic), food, tv, movies, music, whatever you run to in order to avoid feeling that pain.  Feel the anger, the sadness, the loneliness, the worthlessness, the fear, the insecurity, the confusion, the betrayal whatever it is that you are burying…feel it.  It’s a journey. And it’s not easy.  But you will feel so much better.  It feels like weight lifted from you.

I’ve been on this healing journey for almost 3 years.  I’m recovering from codependency.  Well, I believe I’m codependent.  It’s pretty much an addiction to people.  Getting your worth from people.  I never even knew it existed.  According to Google, codependency is “an excessive emotional or physical reliance on a partner…” Here’s a link for more info http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency.

I have found if you want to heal, if you want to become your true self and stop having pain hold you back from life, you have to feel the pain first. And know that it’s a journey and it’s not going to happen over night. Learn to love yourself through all of it. That’s been a challenging part for me. But here’s something I wrote last year called “I Didn’t Want to Let Go.”

I didn’t want to let go.

I didn’t want to let go because I didn’t want to feel the pain.
The pain of loss.
The pain of rejection.
The pain of abandonment.
The pain of betrayal and losing trust.
The pain of worthlessness.
The pain of powerlessness.
The pain of feeling I’ve wasted years of my life.
The pain of feeling unloved.
The pain of losing faith.
The pain of analyzing day and night what was and what wasn’t, what was real and what wasn’t. (ANXIETY)
The pain of reality.
A negative view of reality, but still, reality. (DEPRESSION)
Pain, period. I didn’t want to feel it.
So I held on.
I held on hoping he would change,
hoping he would commit,
Because the sooner he would change,
the sooner he would commit,
the sooner I would be free
of pain.
Little did I know, the sooner I changed,
the sooner I let go (something I actually had control over – ME)
The sooner I would be free
of pain.

Faith and trust.
The two things I lost.
Faith and trust.
What I needed the most.
Faith in God and faith that He’d guide me
Trust that I’m not alone
Trust that everything happens for a reason
Faith that one day I will look back and see this was all a blessing
Faith that once I got through this tornado, on the other side would be peace.

Faith.

I let go of him and turned to HIM…

ME.

And now,
I’m free.

By: Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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