That’s so hard for me to write. To even say. But it’s the truth?
I’m an intuitive empath. I’m a healer. I’m a ‘human lie detector.’ I can feel other’s pain just like I can feel mine. I know when someone has pain and they are hiding it or even unaware of it. And that is a huge reason I don’t like to be around people so much because I absorb their energy. I’m learning not to,but this is all new to me. The abilities – being empathic and intuitive- aren’t new to me, but the terms and learning to accept them and being open about it is new to me. Not only can I feel other’s pain, I know what they can do to heal it because I had to heal my own pain. Here’s more information on empaths: http://themindunleashed.com/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html.
I think my abilities really kicked in to gear in my last relationship. He was afraid of love…emotionally unavailable…avoidant…whatever you want to call it. He did not want to commit because he was afraid of being close to people. But for a long time he was ashamed to admit that? He would lie. Which is where a lot of our problems came from I believe (as well as me being “clingy”, whatever, and pushing for a relationship). I was the one that actually brought it up. I didn’t realize how afraid he was of being in relationships though. I kept pushing and pushing for a relationship until he just left. And when he left, that’s what triggered everything. My spiritual awakening, deep..DEEP depression, learning how to heal myself, learning that I can feel other’s pain and help them heal too.
I think why I’ve been afraid to admit it is because I feel like it would push people away. If people know that I can “see through them”, I can see under their mask (if there is one), they might not want to be around me. It’s not something I can turn off. I wish I could, but I can’t. And some people, like me (before I knew), don’t even know they wear a mask. They just know something isn’t…right. Their life is not as fulfilling as they wanted it to be. They aren’t happy. But they pretend to be happy. I can see that mask because I used to be that way. The only way to be “happy” or get to that peaceful place inside is to feel the pain first. You can’t mask it.
So I don’t know. I want to help people, but some people aren’t ready to face their pain. So if they’re close to me, I pretty much bite my tongue because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t like confrontation and I don’t want confrontation. I know how it was with him, the guy I was with, there was a lot of confrontation and he left. I don’t want family or friends to leave too. It’s hard for me to pretend like I don’t know there isn’t something going on with them. Or maybe they don’t want to deal with their issues right now. But at the same time I can’t pretend like I don’t see it. So what do you do? Shut your mouth? Distance yourself? Like I am with him? My dilemma.