I’m Not Mad At You

I’m not mad at you.
I was, but
I’m not anymore.
I had this “idea” of how life should go –
Go to school, find a job, fall in love, get married.
Live happily ever after.
Doesn’t that sound lovely?
(I wonder where that came from? Movies?
Because you know I –
can’t take the blame for anything)
Well, it never went that way. Go figure.
Actually, I take that back.  It did go that way.  Sorta.
I did go to school.
Not the school I wanted, but
I did go.
I did get a job.
Not the job I wanted, but
I got one.
I did fall in love.
With the guy I wanted strangely, but
he must have had another life “idea” cause
he’s not here.

I was mad.
You messed up my “idea”.
Life went to crap because YOU
messed up my “idea”.
I tried to cover it up,
pretend to be okay,
But if there’s anything I learned it’s this –
You can’t pretend to be okay
by covering up the pain.
Acknowledge the pain first and then
you can be okay.

I figure the only way to move on is
to never talk again.
Pretend you never existed.
But you did.  You do.
And this morning it hit me.
What if something happened?
God forbid, you were dead?
I know that’s morbid, sorry, but
I don’t know,
because I haven’t talked to you.
And all this time,
I’m mad.

I’m done.
I’m not mad at you anymore.
How long do we really have before we’re gone?
Why am I holding on to this anger?
Because you messed up my “idea”?
Well, maybe,
I should let go of that idea.
Why am I so stuck on it anyway?
Whether you commit or not,
I still love you.
But that “idea” is what I want.
And you don’t want what I want.
So I don’t have to stay mad at you anymore for not wanting that
But I can’t stay either.

By: Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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