So here’s a little backstory on me and my “career” life. I’m 31 years old. My first job was when I was 18 working in retail. Well, technically my first job was in my early teens lawn mowing, going around the neighborhood asking people if they wanted their grass cut, but I started working “for others” when I was 18. In 2004, I received a B.S. in Biology. I intended on using that, but I had a hard time finding a job after graduation and then I lost faith, I guess, because I worked retail on and off for the next 10 years. It was never something I enjoyed doing though. It was a job. And I needed it to pay the bills. Which it barely even did that, but I was just grateful for a job. The end of 2014 I decided to go to school for massage therapy. I thought it might be a little more fulfilling. That’s also about the time I was going through my spiritual awakening. I graduated the end of 2015, got my license April of 2016 and started working for a massage franchise in July. I quit that job in December.
I hate being controlled. That’s not the main reason I quit, but it’s part of the reason I quit. I was also unhappy. I’ve changed. After my spiritual awakening in 2014, my mindset changed. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years (if I even live that long) doing something that makes me unhappy. I’m tired of working jobs just for security. I’m already doing something I don’t 100% enjoy and then I’m treated like a slave, no thank you. And saying that, I feel so ungrateful and spoiled. Because there are soooo many people who work jobs they hate, but they need to feed their families and have a roof over their head. There are people out there who are jobless and it wasn’t a choice. I’m single, I have no kids, and I live at home so there is no one I need to take care of. Which I feel guilty for that too because now I can’t help out at home. I feel like I should just be happy with what I have. Even though I’m not happy.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. I have faith that something better will come but I don’t know when. And I question if I did the right thing. I’ve been using this time to write. I’ve been reading a lot. Going to the park and meditating. Praying. Cleaning up around the house. I’m trying to stay calm, but sometimes I’ll just wake up in the middle of the night and freak out. Or in the morning I start worrying about bills. Usually when I do freak out, I either meditate or start writing. That calms me down. I guess my two biggest worries are not having money for bills and not being able to help out financially at the house. But I am so tired of being treated like a slave. And holding onto things that make me unhappy. I would rather lose my car then work some place where I’m controlled. That’s how much I hate it. Does that make any kind of sense? Maybe that’s what I need to work on. My control issues.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin