Nothing fuels me like anger. Ok, maybe I lie. Maybe love. Love gets me pretty motivated. Maybe love than anger. Either way it gets my blood pumping. I have what I like to call “anger reserves”. Like oil reserves, they are trapped way down. And when they are tapped…I don’t know where I’m going with this metaphor haha but when I get angry, I always say my “anger reserves” have been tapped. I have a lot of “anger reserves”. And it comes from holding on to resentment.
Before I began my spiritual journey three years ago, I didn’t express my anger very well. I would hold it in. And when I did get angry, when I got to my tipping point, I would explode on people. The incident might have been little, but that anger had been building up for some time. And that poor person got it all.
I started journal writing about nine years ago and that has helped me with my anger as well as meditation (which that I started three years ago). Meditation really has saved my life. Not only with anger but with anxiety, depression, other people, life in general. When I’m “triggered”, when one of my “anger reserves” is tapped I have learned to back away from the situation and process it. Instead of instantly reacting and escalating the situation like I usually did, I back away and figure out why I’m getting angry. After I’ve calmed down, then I go back to the situation. Yesterday I got really angry and that incident is what motivated me to write this post.
I don’t like to talk about my problems much because I don’t like people feeling sorry for me and I don’t like sounding like I’m complaining I guess? That I’m not grateful? But I’ve learned in order to heal, I have to feel and express what is bothering me. This blog is about being open and learning and growing and loving through it all so I will share. I hold on to a lot of resentment. It’s like I want to let go of the past, I don’t want to talk about it and hurt anyone’s feelings, I love them, I just want to move on and forget it ever happened, but at the same time, I’m angry that it happened and I can’t let it go. My biological father left when I was a baby and I still haven’t met him. My stepdad (whom I call dad) and I, we didn’t have the best of relationships when I was a child, it’s a lot better now but it wasn’t healthy. Abusive at times. My mom and dad later divorced. The guy who I was previously involved with for some years, we had an unhealthy relationship that was abusive at times and he left because he didn’t like serious relationships. So that is where my resentment comes from.
It is the past and life has changed but I still hold on to it. I’m angry that I loved every single one of them dearly and they hurt me. Or at least that’s how I see it. When I see others with their fathers and their parents that have never divorced and their boyfriends/husbands that have always been there, I get jealous. And when they tell me how to live my life and how to be, I get angry. How I’m learning to forgive and heal is by giving myself love, reading, writing, meditating, and praying. That’s really my life right now. I realize I’m not perfect and neither are they. They didn’t have the best childhoods either. And that helps me to forgive.
I’m going to leave a link to someone who I’ve followed for a long time. Her name is Melanie Tonia Evans and I know she specializes in narcissistic abuse but she’s a healer and she helps with healing from anything really. Any emotional wounds. She’s the first person I came across and she’s really helped me. This is her post on resentment and how to heal from it:
Holding On To Resentment Makes You Powerless | Narcissism Recovery and Relationships Blog
Thank you for reading. 🙂
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin