A New Approach

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It’s raining this morning.   I love rain.  It’s soothing, it’s peaceful, it’s an excuse for me to stay cuddled in the house without feeling guilty, and I feel like Mother Earth is crying. She’s sad today. Like me. “Misery loves company!”

I haven’t been doing so well this past week. This unemployment is really getting to me.  Bringing out a lot of fears.  There’s an upside to that and a downside.  Upside – you have an opportunity to face fears.  Downside haha – you have an opportunity to face fears.  Something I’m noticing is that I’m withdrawing from family and friends.  I tend to do that when I’m sad, or angry, or just emotional all around.  It’s a way for me to calm down, figure out what’s going on, and be with myself/comfort myself, I guess.  But I also think it’s a defense mechanism.

I feel some people are uncomfortable when I’m sad and because of that they don’t know how to act around me and they withdraw.  I mean, I’m guilty of doing this.  Of being uncomfortable around someone who is sad.  I don’t know what to say.  What’s appropriate?  Maybe they don’t want me around.  So I would leave them alone.  To calm my anxieties.  I’m aware of it now, so I try not to run, but it is something I did do. Well, for me, someone with a severe fear of abandonment, that feeling of someone that you care about withdrawing is almost like death.  And so as a defense mechanism, I believe, so I won’t feel hurt, before they “leave me” or withdraw, I withdraw first.  If that makes any sense.  My normal is to run from people when I’m sad/frustrated/having a crap day before they “run” from me (because they are uncomfortable).  I take it personally pretty much.  A huge life lesson I have learned.  Don’t take shit personally.

It’s how I am in romantic relationships too.  Well, I’ve only been in one, but that’s how I was with him.  Any little sign that he might me leaving, even if it wasn’t real, I would end the relationship. I would “break up”.  Then those same anxieties would cause us to get back together.  Can you imagine being in a relationship like that?  My abandonment anxiety would get so bad that I made sure I would leave before he did.  So I didn’t get hurt.  That’s severe fear of abandonment.  I’m not proud of it at all.  It’s fear.  But I am aware of it now and I want to change.

I’m going to try a new approach.  I’m going to stay.  I’m going to not withdraw from family and friends when I’m sad or emotional.  And this is a great opportunity for me to do that.  I’m going to call them and see how they are doing instead of going into my turtle shell.  Maybe eventually I can get that way with romantic relationships.  Not running any time I feel anxiety.  We brought out each other’s fears though.  He has a severe fear of commitment and I have a severe fear of abandonment.  A match made in hell haha.  I love him but it was a match made in hell.  Or heaven.  Depending on how you look at it.  It’s forced us to face our fears.  Well, it’s forcing me.  He still doesn’t want to commit.

 

-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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