It’s raining this morning. I love rain. It’s soothing, it’s peaceful, it’s an excuse for me to stay cuddled in the house without feeling guilty, and I feel like Mother Earth is crying. She’s sad today. Like me. “Misery loves company!”
I haven’t been doing so well this past week. This unemployment is really getting to me. Bringing out a lot of fears. There’s an upside to that and a downside. Upside – you have an opportunity to face fears. Downside haha – you have an opportunity to face fears. Something I’m noticing is that I’m withdrawing from family and friends. I tend to do that when I’m sad, or angry, or just emotional all around. It’s a way for me to calm down, figure out what’s going on, and be with myself/comfort myself, I guess. But I also think it’s a defense mechanism.
I feel some people are uncomfortable when I’m sad and because of that they don’t know how to act around me and they withdraw. I mean, I’m guilty of doing this. Of being uncomfortable around someone who is sad. I don’t know what to say. What’s appropriate? Maybe they don’t want me around. So I would leave them alone. To calm my anxieties. I’m aware of it now, so I try not to run, but it is something I did do. Well, for me, someone with a severe fear of abandonment, that feeling of someone that you care about withdrawing is almost like death. And so as a defense mechanism, I believe, so I won’t feel hurt, before they “leave me” or withdraw, I withdraw first. If that makes any sense. My normal is to run from people when I’m sad/frustrated/having a crap day before they “run” from me (because they are uncomfortable). I take it personally pretty much. A huge life lesson I have learned. Don’t take shit personally.
It’s how I am in romantic relationships too. Well, I’ve only been in one, but that’s how I was with him. Any little sign that he might me leaving, even if it wasn’t real, I would end the relationship. I would “break up”. Then those same anxieties would cause us to get back together. Can you imagine being in a relationship like that? My abandonment anxiety would get so bad that I made sure I would leave before he did. So I didn’t get hurt. That’s severe fear of abandonment. I’m not proud of it at all. It’s fear. But I am aware of it now and I want to change.
I’m going to try a new approach. I’m going to stay. I’m going to not withdraw from family and friends when I’m sad or emotional. And this is a great opportunity for me to do that. I’m going to call them and see how they are doing instead of going into my turtle shell. Maybe eventually I can get that way with romantic relationships. Not running any time I feel anxiety. We brought out each other’s fears though. He has a severe fear of commitment and I have a severe fear of abandonment. A match made in hell haha. I love him but it was a match made in hell. Or heaven. Depending on how you look at it. It’s forced us to face our fears. Well, it’s forcing me. He still doesn’t want to commit.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin