I decided I’m not going to take up that offer to schedule an interview. I’m going to pass this opportunity up. It’s not what I truly want. The only reason I want this job is because of fear. To calm my anxiety. To have security. A means to an end. I know in my heart it’s not what I want to do. And I’m tired of jobs being a means to an end. When will my job be what I love? Later? Down the road? I live as if I’m going to be alive forever. I don’t want to put energy towards things that make me unhappy anymore. I always say I want to help people, to write, to be in a serious relationship, yet I apply to jobs I don’t care for just because I need money and I chase people who don’t want to be in serious relationships. If I want my life to change, I have to change.
I have trust issues. Not just with people but with God too. I’m learning to trust Him more and more everyday though. I let go of my ex, even though I always believed we should be together, I quit my job without another job in line (the past me would never do that), and now I’m trusting God to bring me a job opportunity or at least to guide me in what I should do. Normally, I would be applying to all sorts of jobs. I never trusted God, the Universe, to help me. I tried to figure everything out myself. I had to control everything. Now I’m going to let God take control. It scares me, but I will have to say, it’s much more peaceful. What do I have to lose?
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin