I believe why this is so hard for me because I never realized how much my worth was dependent on things I have. Who am I without a job, money, a friend/lover, my appearance, other’s love? All those things have determined my worth. I’m unemployed, I don’t have an income, I’m single, my appearance has always been dependent on money, and other’s love (or so I thought, I’m sorry), has always been dependent on what I have. I have none of that now. So who am I?
Well, I’ve learned to focus on what I do have. I’ve learned that when we get in a depressed state it’s probably because we are focusing on what we don’t have. I have a roof over my head. I have food to eat. I have friends who still want to hang out even though I have “nothing”. My family for the most part is supportive. I have God to talk to everyday. (That’s something else I’ve become aware of – unconditional love.) I’m breathing. I’m alive. I have dogs that come greet me and give me lovin’ every single morning whether I like it or not. The sun is shining today. From that perspective, life is okay. What’s wrong with the way things are right now? There’s always something more I need before I can be happy. I need a job. I need money. I need a boyfriend. I need to look this way. Have my hair this way. Be this weight. Wear this clothes. Have a father. Why can’t I be happy with the way things are right now? Be happy without having a job, money, a boyfriend, looking a certain way, a father there? I can. There is nothing stopping me except my mind. And that’s what I’m working on.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin