**Edit: I wasn’t going to post this because I was thinking there are people with so many more problems than me and here I am complaining. But then I thought, no. You know where that thinking comes from? Being told over and over again, that what you are feeling isn’t important or isn’t right or that someone else out there has it worse. So you start shutting down your feelings because apparently they’re not right. No more of that.**
I’ve been struggling with my mind these past few days. I’ve been doing my best to stay positive though. It’s not knowing when my situation will change. That is what’s bothering me. I just don’t want to get a job in a week or two and regret how this entire time I’ve been stressing over nothing. I’ve had that feeling before – I still have it -and it’s not cool.
March 25th made it two years since my grandmother passed away. The year leading up to my grandmother’s death was very challenging. That’s the nice way of saying it. It was awful for me. It’s the lowest point I’ve ever been. And not because of my grandma’s situation, because everything. Grandma was bedridden and my mom and I took care of her at home. More so my mom though, she’s a nurse assistant, but I was helping too. My grandmother couldn’t walk (had hip replacement but it didn’t work) and had to depend on us for everything and she was depressed and angry about that, I was going through a breakup and I was depressed and angry, and my mom was going through a breakup. What I regret is being so focused on when all “that” was going to be over, that I didn’t even enjoy time with my grandma. Instead, I withdrew. We both withdrew. Waiting for our situation to be over so we can get back to being ourselves. Who knew that she was going to die in a year?
The point I’m trying to make is, and this is a reminder to myself as much as it is to anyone else, the situation we’re in will not last forever. Here I am stressing and worrying about the situation I’m in now. And it’s not going to last forever! And I know this. But my brain is still “Bleh!” I don’t want to look back in a month (who knows) when things have changed and regret being so worried this entire time. Whatever it is that we want will come when it is time. It’ll come when it is time. Take it day by day. And follow your intuition. This could be my vacation time, I don’t know, and here I am stressing. The problem is I don’t know how long it will last. This “waiting”. And that’s what’s scary. And my gut reaction is to do something about it. Fix it. Instead of chilling. Do you know how hard it is to do that when you feel like your world is falling apart?? Faaaaaith. Don’t just think it, believe it.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin