Lost

The logical side of me says go get a job.  Go apply to any job, anywhere.  You have debt up the butt, you live at home depending on everyone for food, your phone got cut off and your car is about to get repoed any day now.  Go get a job. But it doesn’t feel right.  And I feel so crappy for feeling that.  For doing that.  I do what feels right.  Is it going anywhere?  I don’t know.  But I follow my gut.  I’m in that transition period where I don’t want to go back to what my life was but the “new” isn’t coming fast enough.  I’m waiting.  And I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be waiting.  I feel like I’m supposed to be waiting but I have my doubts and everyone else’s doubts and they start creeping in my head and then I panic.

I’ve been highly irritated these past couple of days.  Today I ‘m good, thankfully, but these past couple of days were rough.  I had a falling-out with the family, an unnecessary falling-out, I think, but it happened.  After that I left and drove two hours to the beach.  I laid on a bench and stared at the sky for like a good two hours and just cried.  Felt ten times better.  If I’m ever lost, and you can’t find me, go to the beach.  Then I drove back home that night and got a ticket.  Expired registration.  I wasn’t even bothered.  That’s how you know I’m over it.  The cop was extremely kind though, so for that I am thankful.    Everyone seems to have structure in their life.  That’s my problem.  I’m dependent on people for everything.  I don’t want that.

-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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