I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. I used to do that all the time. It’s exhausting. A friend of mine once said she wears her heart on her sleeve. I’m the same way. So I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not what you want me to be. I’m having a hard time right now. Nobody wants to be around a depressed girl. I don’t even want to be around me with my mood swings. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m hating myself because I’m depressed. I feel like everyone else already hates me because I’m depressed. I can’t hate myself too. I’ve got to live with myself. You can escape other people, but you can’t escape yourself. (I’m sorry. I don’t hate you for being depressed, Sonja). You might think I’m nuts for talking to myself, but you have to do it. There’s an inner child in all of us that wants to be loved. So you have to love that little you inside. Love yourself when life is up and love yourself when life is down. Especially when it’s down.
When I’m depressed I feel alone. I feel like I’m supposed to be shining, cheerful, laughing, loving life right? Like everyone else. It’s hard when you’re depressed. I compare myself to others. That’s not my world right now and I have to accept that. I have to stop thinking about what I don’t have. It’s hard but when I start going down that negative thinking road, I go, Sonja, you are breathing. Your body has not given up on you and neither can you. I go outside. To a park. I went to the Rose Garden this morning. Look. Haha I thought that sign fit perfectly.
Being that it had just rained. And I’m depressed. And I’m going to a rose garden to bring my spirit up.
Anyway,there’s a quote I have on my ‘About’ page. It’s from Pema Chodron. “When we resist change, it’s called suffering. But when we completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that’s called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. Another word for this is freedom…”
I remind myself to not resist change. See the beauty in the little things. I woke up with anxiety but also to puppies jumping in my face. They have no care in the world. I want it to rub off on me. I think about everyone that is suffering and I just want you to know you’re not alone.
Here’s all the pups. All four of them. And Rose, the puppy that found us, playing in the dirt. And a goose that doesn’t give two damns haha. Made me laugh this morning.
Much love though. I’ll be okay. If you’re around anyone that’s depressed just try to understand they don’t want to be that way either.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin