How I Learned I Have A Soul

I was 23 years old.  I’m 31 now, but then I was 23.  It was 2009.  I had just started working at Walmart – a huge retail store here in the United States that sells everything.  This is going to sound so corny haha, but it’s the truth.  I was helping a customer in the Stationary department (I worked in the Clothing department), and they asked me where something was over there.  I had no idea.  Again, I just started working there and that wasn’t even my department.  So, the first person I saw with blue on (Walmart’s color), I asked.  It was him.  The guy who I write about.  The guy who broke my heart.  The guy who I knew THEN we were going to be friends.  That was the first time we met.  Of course, he had no idea either where it was.  He worked in the Pet department.  So we just laughed because we were all walking around clueless haha.  Anyway, that was the first time I realized I had a soul because I never felt a connection like that with anyone and it was so instant.  I had no control over that. That’s when it all began.

Growing up, we didn’t go to church.  There was no talking about anything religious or spiritual except Jesus during Christmas.  Before I met him, I never even knew there were “connections” between people.  When people said “soulmate”, I didn’t know they meant it literally.  I always thought people got into relationships because they thought the other one was cute.  Clearly, I had never been in a relationship before.  And maybe I was a little shallow.  I mean that is how people get into relationships, but there’s more to it than that.  This is predestined.  It wasn’t until I met him that I realized that.  This whole meeting up was already planned out.  I didn’t need to worry about being alone all my life like I did.  I even asked him if he believed in fate because it seemed like we knew each other for forever.

Fast forward four years, on and off relationship between us, he leaves and I hit rock bottom.  The lowest I had ever been in my life.  That’s when I really realized I had a soul because it was killing me.  I learned to meditate and talk to God because I had no idea how to pick myself up.  I was in a deep depression, suicidal thoughts, my anxiety was at its worst, and I was experiencing dissociation.  I was in this state for almost a year. The depression I’m going through now was nothing compared to how I was then.  Probably because I’ve been through it already.  I learned how to listen to my intuition, how to follow my heart, and here I am today three years later.  I listened to my intuition and I quit my job and started writing.  Even though I have no idea where it’s going.  Crazy, I know.

Believe me, I would have never quit my job before I started this spiritual journey.  I trust that God will take care of me.  So far, so good.  Yes, I’ve lost a lot, and I still have no idea when things will start to change, but I remember to keep the faith even in the tough times.  It’s been challenging.  I’m still learning everyday.  One day at a time.  This is my second bout of depression in my life. People think I’m crazy, sometimes I think I’m crazy, but I keep going and the only thing that has kept me going is faith.


-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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