“I don’t care anymore.”
“I give up.”
People don’t like to hear you say that. Especially loved ones. I honestly don’t even like saying that. But I did. And it was such a relief.
I have been fighting depression for a little while now. I don’t know exactly when it kicked in, but my mood has been up and down all year. Really high, really low. I’m pretty sure it’s another spiritual awakening (or maybe spiritual depression/dark night of the soul type thing) where your body is detoxing itself of all the negativity inside. I went through one before about three years ago. Quitting my job triggered this one, but it’s apparently what I needed (I thought I was done).
Well, yesterday, I was DONE. I was tired of fighting with my mind and trying to stay positive, and doing my best to not give up. So I admitted I don’t care anymore. I give up. This has been one emotionally draining year and I give up. I have no more fight inside of me. Weirdly, I felt better afterwards. I guess we as humans don’t like to admit defeat and possibly be taken down to the gates of Hell, or at least that’s how I feel. I felt if I stop fighting my depression I would sink so low I couldn’t pick myself up. This whole year I’ve been fighting that feeling and to just let it out…it was a relief. Today I feel a whole lot better. Maybe it’s okay to say I give up. Trust God and let Him take over.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin