I don’t know. I feel like I’m supposed to have my life figured out by now. Some kind of structure. It’s been almost a year since I quit my job, and I’m still unsure what direction to go. (Heh that rhymed). It’s not that I don’t have an idea of what direction to go, it’s that I don’t want to waste time. And because I don’t want to waste time (this is ironic), I don’t make any steps. I stand still. Does that make any sense? I need to just step into a direction and commit. Ahhh, maybe that’s the problem? I might have figured out my own problem writing this. “Commit.” Commitment and I do not go well together. As much as I desire it, in truth, commitment scares the mess out of me. I don’t have freedom. I feel constricted. Main reason I quit my job. And that probably sounds confusing as heck knowing that’s why my ex and I split. Because I wanted commitment and he didn’t. Truth be told, it scared me too. That’s something I’ve learned on this journey. I am also afraid of commitment. Anyway, I don’t know if it’s worth all the work and I don’t want to put so much work into something again for it to go nowhere. Uhh, like my relationship. That’s it! That’s the problem. I don’t want to commit and it be a mistake. See writing does help you figure out life.
I’m here. That’s how I feel. I’m here. I see people on the internet, family and friends, and they have this enthusiasm…this excitement…this joy in them. And all I can think is they have money, that’s why. Or they are in a relationship, that’s why. Or they don’t look like crap, that’s why. Or they found their passion, that’s why. Once I get THAT, I’ll be happy too. But that’s not true, and I know it. I guess I assume that because without it, so many people are sad and miserable and with it, people are excited. Probably just projecting onto them. But at one time I did have money. I was in a relationship. I was “pretty”. Well, “feminine”. I guess that is what I’m trying to say. Not so masculine. I was told before that I was like “one of the guys”. So I went through a phase where I thought the only way I could be loved was by being more feminine. Anyway, I wasn’t happy. I was full of fear. Anxiety off the charts. It’s a mind thing. It really is. I can be happy right now, but I don’t want to be. Because I’m holding onto the past. And this idea of how my life is “supposed” to be. And how I’m “supposed” to be. And that it all has to be perfect and no mistakes.
I am proud of myself though. I’ve done a lot of healing this year. My anxiety is nowhere near where it used to be. I can talk to people now and make eye contact without having hundreds of thoughts running through my head. I’m much better at not letting other’s feelings control me. Things that used to make me angry, don’t bother me as much. And when I do get angry, I’ve learned to not go off on people and instead pause and go within and see what’s really bothering me. I guess I’m so focused on the material stuff, the outside stuff, I don’t focus on what I’ve accomplished inside. I need security. It’s still an issue.
I’ve been watching Stranger Things. Well, I finished it. That’s a nice escape. I’ve been hanging with family and friends more. There’s this idea and I’ve mentioned it before, and I sort of hit on it earlier in this post, that until my life is just right, I can’t play. Work and no play until my life is how I want it to be. I don’t where I got that thinking, but it’s okay to play. It’s okay to be happy and not have everything be the way I want it to be. To be perfect. God has my back, right? I don’t need to worry about controlling everything.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin