I’m Not Worthy



Nor does “more attention equal more worth”.  I have to remind myself that everyday.   While I’ve grown in the past three years, my self-esteem for most of my life used to be pretty much non-existent.  It was “down the toilet” as my mom would say.  My worth was solely dependent on others’ actions.  I took everything personally.  So-and-so is acting this way because I did something wrong or I’m not good enough.  Most of the time, it had nothing to do with me.  I know this in my mind now, but I still everyday have to work on building my self-esteem.

As you may know, with social media, likes and followers are a huge thing.  The more likes and followers leads to more recognition which leads to more opportunities. It’s easy for us to look and compare.  Why do they have so many likes and followers? Why do they get so much attention?  Does that mean I’m not good enough?  Does that mean they’re better than me?  Does it mean that I’m better than them if I have more followers?  None of that is true.  It’s this belief that is programmed into us.  More attention equals more worth.  And it’s not true.

A guy gives another girl attention, she’s better than me.  He gets the job and I don’t, he’s better than me.  She’s in a relationship and I’m not, she’s better than me.  He has this many followers, he’s better than me.  She has this many likes, she’s better than me.  Dad gives him more attention, he’s better than me.  Mom gives her more attention, she’s better than me.  IT.  HAS.  NOTHING.  TO.  DO.  WITH.  US.  There is no connection.  We have come to believe it has something to do with us, but it doesn’t.  Some people aren’t happy within themselves, so they treat us a certain way.  People have preferences, so they may choose another person over us.  Some people may have more experience, so they’re chosen over us.  But in all these cases, it doesn’t mean that we are or they are more or less worthy.

I’m finding that patience is a big problem.  Maybe it’s just not our time and we need to have more patience.  What we want will come to us in time.  No need to compare.  Our lives are happening the way they are supposed to.  When I get jealous because she’s getting more attention than me, I look within myself.  Maybe I need to give myself more love and be kinder to myself.  When I don’t get the job, maybe there’s a better opportunity for me coming.  When he doesn’t want to be with me, maybe someone better for me is coming my way.  I try to look at the end goal, the bigger picture.  Sometimes I need to focus on my purpose.  Is it the likes and attention I want or do I want to help people?  Because if I want to help people, one follower is enough.  Helping a sibling is enough.  Helping a friend is enough.

Our worth is dependent on us.  No one else.  Him being mean and taking his anger out on me doesn’t mean I deserve it.  That that’s all I’m worth.  It means he needs love.  There is pain inside of him that he’s not addressing and also I need to put up some boundaries.  Them not talking to me doesn’t mean I’m not good enough.  Maybe I should break the ice and talk to them.  Maybe they aren’t comfortable with speaking or being vulnerable.  There are just so many reasons for why things are the way they are and we don’t need to take it personally.  We are all worthy.  Every human on this planet.  We are all God’s creation.  We all have different gifts that together help the world.  No need to compare.  And while I am on my soapbox, I’d like to say (with sincere compassion) – the world is not out to hurt us.  I completely understand why someone would feel this way.  I felt this way most of my life until I was reading a blog article last year by Melanie Tonia Evans and it woke me up. When traumatic events happen to us, it’s normal to think the world is out to hurt us.  We see shootings on the news all the time.  War.  Hate crimes.  Murder.  Abuse.  It’s easy to believe the world is a dangerous place and everyone is out to hurt us.  Let go of that belief.  Yes, there are people who are out to hurt others, but trust and believe that God (or the Universe) is there and He loves you and that He wants the best for you.  Everything is done in your favor.  You’re worthy and when the time is right, you’ll get what your heart and soul desire.  ❤

-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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