I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas ❤ It was nice here. I spent it with my family. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, my niece, my aunts, and uncle. My brother and his family will be moving back to Oregon next year so it was nice to spend Christmas with them here in North Carolina. I feel like my relationship with my brother and my sister-in-law is much better. Christmas always makes things better doesn’t it? There’s always so much love that day. Why can’t it be like that everyday? I talked awhile back about the huge blow out we had over the summer that wasn’t pretty. We weren’t talking for a little there. I’m very quick to stop talking to people after we get into an argument or I feel hurt, but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to hold onto grudges anymore. It’s exhausting. I want to talk. I want to forgive. And since that’s my new motto, I called my dad (step-dad) on Christmas.
I haven’t talked to my dad since I visited him in July/August after the blow out with my brother and sister-in-law. It was nice to see him and his family, but it was rough. My dad and I can talk on the phone, but to live together…I don’t know. We argue all the time. It’s the constant criticizing and belittling. I love him, but it’s too much. That’s why we didn’t have a good relationship when I was younger and it’s why I have to limit contact now. Who wants to do that though? Who wants to have to limit contact with their parent? I was honestly just thinking about not talking anymore that’s how tired I am. But that’s my dad. I love him. So I called him on Christmas and I’m glad I did. That was a big step for me. It’s been about four months without talking. I think that’s the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to him.
Now, my biological father is a different story. I haven’t talked to him pretty much all year. It’s a comfort zone thing. We haven’t talked most of my life. It’s a bit uncomfortable for me when we talk now. What do we talk about? Where do we start? It’s going to be awkward, I know, but instead of dealing with it, I avoid it. Something I don’t want to do anymore. This whole spiritual healing journey I’ve been on has helped me release a lot of that pain and anger from childhood that I’ve been holding onto all my life. I’ll be calling him soon.
A lot of my relationships went down- the- hill this year. I was so focused on my healing, I didn’t have the strength for relationships. I think now I’m going to start rebuilding and reconnecting again. That includes my ex. I’m going to at least reach out to him. He might not want to talk to me, but at least I’ll reach out. I think we were both exhausted and just quit. It’s been three years that we’ve been separated, but only about one year since we stopped talking. Like I wrote yesterday, “we lost faith in ourselves, and so, we lost faith in each other.” I don’t know if he’s seeing someone now. I haven’t talked to him. I just want to say hello. To spend so much time with someone and then to completely cut them out of my life, it hasn’t sat well with me. I can at least say Hi.
I’ve been holding onto grudges. That’s really all it is. If he did try to get a hold of me I wouldn’t know because my cell phone has been cut off all year (can’t pay phone bill when you’re not working). But that’s my new year goals. 2017 was about me and healing and letting go and 2018 will be about working on my relationships and writing. I’m choosing love now. No more holding onto fear.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin