I never wanted to get married. Even as a little girl. I never dreamed of my dream wedding or my wedding dress or the tropical get-away honeymoon. I never dreamed of any of it. But I felt like I was supposed to. I always felt like less of a woman because of it (which writing that made me cry. So clearly somewhere deep down it still rings true). I had this belief that all women wanted to get married. I’m asked, when are you going to get married? When are you going to meet someone? When are you going to start dating? Are you dating? As if that’s what’s going to make me happy. (At one time, I believed it was.) I understand though. It’s a conversation starter. It breaks the ice. I ask people if they’re seeing someone too. But why when I tell people I’m not married or that I don’t want to get married, they are so in shock. Like I committed a crime. I feel like I did now. I was even told once I’m not “living” because I’m not married and I don’t have kids.
I get comments from my dad. Maybe because I’m his oldest daughter. I don’t know. It makes me sad because I know that’s what he wants. For me to get married and have little ones but I don’t want to get married. I don’t think it’s going to change if I meet someone either because it’s not that I’m single and haven’t met anyone, it’s because I don’t get the point of marriage and I have no desire for it. I only felt like I was supposed to get married because everyone else was and I felt like an outcast.
When I was with my ex, I didn’t want to get married either. I wanted commitment but I didn’t need marriage. I just wanted a best friend for life. I wanted security, loyalty, companionship, stability, commitment. I thought I could get security by being in a relationship, but I realized after we broke up, that security was something I could get on my own. I didn’t need to be in a relationship for that. I’m not going to say I’ll never get married, relationships come with compromise, and if I meet someone and they want to get married, it’ll make them happy, sure. But I don’t need to.
I know I’m worthy whether I’m married or not, but I held onto this belief I wasn’t for a long time. Seeing single women, seeing women, period, living their life, living their dreams, inspires me and has helped me on my healing journey.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin