I Called My Ex

Fourteen days into 2018 and I have already been slapped with a life lesson.  One that I’ve learned, but apparently haven’t applied all the way yet:  “You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”

I called my ex. Yes, I did.  I said I was going to and I did.  2018 is the year of writing and rebuildng relationships (not all, but most).  I started with my dad (step-dad) in December and now it’s my ex.  We didn’t talk for long because I had to go (and I was so nervous! Haa).  I think I needed to absorb what just happened.  But really, I did have to go.  My mom and I went to the store.

It’s been about a year since we talked.  I didn’t know if he was going to be mad at me, if his number changed (mine did because my cell phone was cut off), who knows.  I had all kinds of stuff running through my head.  But I called him and left a message and surprisingly, he called me back.  I was so happy to hear him. We stopped talking January of last year.  Well, I stopped talking.  I wanted more, I wanted commitment, and he couldn’t give me that, so I stopped talking to him.

I needed to heal.  I don’t regret doing that.  I needed to take care of myself.  We were involved for four years (we were basically “friends with benefits”).  I wanted more, but he didn’t.  I “let go” in 2014, but not really, because I chased him for another two years.  Mistakes made and lessons learned though, believe me.  Then 2017 was when I officially let go.  It was also when I quit my job.  A year of intense healing for me.  I figured if he didn’t want the same thing as me, we needed to go our separate ways.  Well, it’s been a year, no contact, and I still feel the same way.  I still love him deeply.

Here’s the issue, family and friends think because he doesn’t want to commit, I need to let him go and find someone who loves me.  He does love me.  I know he does.  He just doesn’t want to commit.  It’s a fear.  I told my mom if I can change, he can change.  And that’s when she hit me with some truth.  What if he hasn’t changed?  Can I accept that?  Because if I can’t, I need to let go.  After seven years, I’m STILL hoping he’ll change.  That he’ll want to commit.  Well, after sitting with that truth for the rest of the day, I realized I can accept that.  I can accept that if he doesn’t want to commit, we can still be friends.  I miss him too much.  I don’t have to  completely cut him out of my life because he doesn’t want to commit.  I’m healed enough that his actions don’t hurt me as much anymore if that makes sense. I’ve worked on setting boundaries and I’m not dependent on him anymore like I was.

This was just me thinking yesterday.  My ex and I haven’t talked about any of this.  I will talk to him about it though.  That was a huge problem before we separated; there was hardly any communication about our relationship.   Last year was all about learning to love myself, flaws and all.  I don’t need to be perfect to be loved. By myself or anyone else.  I wrote a post about it actually.  I need to apply it to others too.  He doesn’t need to be perfect in order for me to love him.  That was another HUGE issue in our relationship.  People make mistakes.  I’ve made plenty of them and I still do.  My heart and soul say to keep in contact and that’s what I’m going to do.

-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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