The other day was a little rough. I’m okay now. Cried. Wrote. Talked a little to the family. Went to the park. Hanging with my aunt now. I go into situations with such high expectations and hopes and when they don’t go the way I planned, I have a breakdown. I’m a child in a grown woman’s body. Ha! Not even a grown woman’s body. I look like a child and act like a child. I’m very aware. I’ll accept it lol. I’m a lot more mature than I used to be though! That is for sure. This whole journey has been about letting go of trying to control everything. And here I am still trying to control when everything will happen.
I always had this belief that my ex and I would get back together. To me, it was just wrong timing. We were young and immature when we met. I was 23, he was 22. We both had a lot of insecurities and fears and trust and communication issues. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I didn’t want to lose him. So I held on even though I wasn’t mentally or emotionally ready for a serious relationship. I thought we could fix these issues together, but that didn’t work.
It’s crazy though. I feel crazy! Even though he has a girlfriend, I still believe we are meant to be together. It’s still there between us. I haven’t talked to him or seen him in a year. I was anxious, but that was because I haven’t seen him in such a long time. Otherwise, it felt like no time passed. We’re supposed to meet up again next week, but I don’t think I’m going to. Not because I don’t want to, but because HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. And I ain’t like that. Switch roles for a second. If I was the girlfriend, I don’t think I’d be okay with my boyfriend hanging out with his ex or someone he used to be involved with. Maybe it’s just me. I mean if she knows and is okay with it, that would be different, but I don’t know if that’s the case.
Anyway, what I have learned from this is to let life flow. Stop trying to control when everything will happen. Continue to trust my intuition and take it day by day. Know that everything is happening for a reason. When any obstacle comes in the way, don’t stress about it, we are creative beings and we will be okay.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin