At A Crossroads

20180114_082713
“Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr

 

This picture frame with the Serenity Prayer hangs in the kitchen at our house.  It’s always been here.  It was my grandmother’s home, but she passed away in 2015, and now my mom owns it.  I have no idea where Grandma got the frame from.  Ha, as far as I was concerned, it was just a part of the house.  I didn’t pay much attention to what it was saying when I was younger.  Like lyrics to songs, I never paid much attention to them either.  Probably because I couldn’t relate.  And I had more important things to do when I went to Grandma’s like cut people and furniture out of store catalogs and play paper dolls.  Haha.  The stuff my cousins and I would come up with.  It wasn’t until I got older that I began to cherish lyrics so much.  Now I’m obsessed with them.  Same with this prayer.

The other day I shared a little affirmation/poem I wrote:

We won’t worry and we won’t fret,
shall obstacles come our way,
For we are born creative beings,
and we will be okay.

A solution will come to us when we are facing difficult times.  I do believe that. I know that.  When I was at my worse – suicidal thoughts, deep depression and anxiety, didn’t want to get out of bed, no appetite, no energy for weeks- I still managed to survive.  I had completely given up.  That’s why I believe in God.  The way I felt, I imagine that’s how a  zombie would feel.  I felt like I was dying.  There was nothing there inside but pain.  And then I got this sign to meditate.

We are creative.  We WILL come up with a solution. And sometimes that solution is to let go.  Give it to God.  While I don’t feel nowhere near as hopeless as I did then, I do feel like I’m at a crossroads.  I do feel tired.  I don’t know which road to take career-wise.  I know I like helping people heal and I like to write.  That’s about it. Maybe I’m afraid to commit to something and fail.  I’m afraid of what others will think.

Relationship-wise, I do feel I’ve given my all in my relationship with my ex.  Deep down I always believed we would be together in the long run, but sometimes I wonder if I’m in denial because there have been so many walls I’ve/we’ve had to climb and I wonder if it’s supposed to be this hard.  It’s been seven years.  Maybe we weren’t meant to be together and I just need to accept that.  Tell my heart that.

This healing journey has been exhausting.  It’s just me.  I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come though.  I basically devoted an entire year to healing.  Not intentionally, but that’s what happened.  But I was thinking about it yesterday and it made me cry. Does the pain ever end???  Do I have a black hole of pain inside me?  I don’t know.  I know it’ll be okay.  I’m just tired.  I worry my family and friends are tired too.

-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

2 thoughts on “At A Crossroads

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s