Doubts & Insecurities

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Since I quit my job a little over a year ago, I have gotten many comments from family and friends about getting a job.  Understandable.  They’ll ask me what I plan on doing.  They’ll give me names of places that are hiring.  “Sonja, you have to get a job.”  “Eventually, you’ll have to make some money.”  I’ve had three comments within the past week.  Some joke about it.  Some are highly concerned.  Some seem offended?  This has been going on for a year.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve become hesitant about hanging out because I don’t want to hear any long speeches about how I need to go back to my old job (that I have left three times) or how I need to just apply somewhere, anywhere.  I don’t talk to my dad on the phone nearly as much anymore because he didn’t agree with the decision I made and he lets me know about it.  I don’t want it that way, but it’s like people want you to live the way they live and if you don’t, you’re wrong.  Or maybe it’s because me not working triggers their fears and insecurities.  I read that somewhere before.  Just trying to get answers.

I’m grateful that I have people in my life that care.  They care.  I know they do. What they’ve done for me, I’m beyond grateful.  The doubts I get though, I kind of push to the side now.  I already doubt myself sometimes and their doubts don’t help.  You have to remember – I’m learning to have faith.  I didn’t always have it. But it seems to be getting stronger and stronger as the months go by.  I’ve been going through a rough time recently, but it’ll be okay.  I don’t know if they know that though.  I’m trusting God. There’s a reason for all of this.  No, I don’t know what it is right now, but there is a reason.  I’ll continue listening to my intuition. Whenever I’m really too hung up on a situation though, I go outside.  I go to nature. It makes your problems seem really small.  That or look at the news.

-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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