Reflecting On The Past Year

I started this blog about a year and a half ago.  December 2016.  It was about two weeks before I quit my job and a month before I stopped talking to my ex.  I figured the only way for me to move on from him was to just stop talking.  We separated four years ago, after being on-and-off for four years.  He didn’t want to commit.  BUT I still stayed in contact.  That was until last year.  I got the courage to let go and that’s what led me to start this blog.  I needed to take care of myself.

2017 ended up being an intense year of healing for me.  I wrote about what I was going through after quitting my job.  All the anxiety I had and the fears that were brought up that I didn’t even know I had.  I wrote about how I was feeling after I stopped talking to my ex.  We had a very, if I’m being honest, codependent relationship.  My life revolved around him.  Letting him go felt like withdrawal.  I felt like I was dying.  I had to learn to be on my own and not dependent on him anymore.  We wanted two different things.  Why was I still holding on?

I figured my ex and I were done.  I’m just going to move on.  But towards the end of 2017, I still felt the same way about him.  He was still always on my mind.  So I called him the beginning of this year.  We met up.  It was great.  Then I found out he had a girlfriend which broke my heart.  And I wrote a little about it because I was so excited to talk to him again.  It had been a year.  Maybe he changed his mind.  Maybe he wants to be in a relationship now. Nope.

We are perfectly fine as friends.  The problem is whenever I bring up wanting to commit.  So I talked to him a few times after that but I realized I really need to let go.  I always felt like we should be together.  The only reason we’re not together is because of fear.  Everyone tells me to move on.  Go out and meet other people.  I even get on myself because I can’t let him go.

I’ve been focusing on writing and sharing how I’ve learned to heal.  I found something I’m passionate about through all of this which I guess is the silver lining.  Before last year, I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life.  That’s why I quit my job. I was unhappy.  But now I do know what I enjoy doing.  My anxiety is nowhere like it used to be when I quit my job.  I was terrified of bill collectors coming to get me because I just quit with no back-up job.  I was terrified of what everyone would think of me.  I didn’t feel supported.  I felt like my family and friends were angry at me.  I felt worthless.  I lost my car.  My phone was cut off.  I had no money.  I fell into a depression. My ex, who I always leaned on, was gone.  Everyone was going off about Trump.  The world was falling apart.

I still have bills.  I still have no car.  I still have no phone.  People are still telling me I need to get my life together.  I still have no income.  My ex is still gone.  Everyone is still going off about Trump.  The world is still falling apart.  (In a good way, I think.) YET I don’t feel like I’m falling apart like I did last year.   I’ve read quotes on how we might not always be able to control our outer situation, but we can control what goes on within.  I believe it.  Materialistic-wise I have nothing, but I have faith that everything is happening for a reason and that has made the difference.  It can only get better.

I’ve learned to stop running from that pain inside.  That’s what I was doing for so long. I would run to others, especially my ex, to avoid my anxiety.  When all I needed to do was go within and acknowledge my pain.  Sit with my feelings of anger, loneliness, sadness, unworthiness, pride, fear and acknowledge it.  But don’t hold onto it.  Feel it and let it go.  Oh, it’s not easy.  Why do you think we run from it?  Nobody wants to feel that.  Nobody wants to feel lonely.  Nobody wants to feel worthless.  Nobody wants to feel sad all the time or feel angry all the time.  But those emotions are not us.  It’s okay to feel them.  We have this belief that we shouldn’t feel those emotions.  They’re “wrong”.  They’re “weak”.  They’re “negative”.  Once I learned to accept them and change how I look at them, I began to have more peace.  Face the pain within with love and you’ll begin to heal.

I still don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m not worried about it.  That fear too has gone away.  It’s weird.  I was starting to feel stuck again, but I guess you have to remind yourself sometimes how far you’ve come.  Remind yourself what all you’ve accomplished and have to be grateful for instead of ruminating on everything you don’t have.

-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

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