I had not one but two panic attacks this past weekend, so I’ve been kind of lying low for the past couple of days. I’m embarrassed to even say why I had them, but I will. Writing helps me in letting things go.
My first anxiety attack (and I believe afterwards, a panic attack) came because I went to my old job (Walmart). This is why I tell family and friends I can’t go back to retail. I was riding with my friend’s mom and she decided to stop there and go shopping. I don’t like crowded places and believe it or not I don’t like attention. I want attention, but I don’t want attention. Try dealing with that on a daily basis.
Anyway, of course, I see everyone who I used to work with, so I can’t ignore them and there goes my social anxiety. They’re going to ask me what I’m doing now job-wise and they’re going to judge me. Then I’m going to get pressured into coming back. It never fails. Over a seven year span, I’ve quit this job three times. Eventually, you realize maybe this job isn’t for you. Plus, I had a bad experience with a manager there, which I’ve shared about before on here, so that doesn’t help.
I come across my old manager, she says I’m not doing anything, I need to come back, so she takes my number and says she’ll call me this week. My friend’s mom keeps telling me I need to go back. It was just a lot for me, I felt super pressured, so when I got home, I panicked at the idea that I’ll never find something else, I’ll have to go back there, and I bawled.
I had the second panic attack the next day. I’m at home and my neighbor comes over upset and agitated with an attitude because my mom’s not home (so she can start cutting the fallen tree in the backyard). I can tell she’s stressing out about it, so I tell her to not worry about it. My voice may have went up a little louder than normal. But I was thinking to myself, my mom never told her to come cut the tree so why is she so upset. Anyway, I guess me saying not to worry about it upset her.
“Okay, mother”, she says. So later, when my mom comes home, my neighbor tells her basically I was lying about how she was earlier (maybe she was embarrassed) and that triggered another panic attack. It took me back to my childhood and so instead of going off on her, I left to cool down and cried. I’ve written before on here about how much I do not like conflict. I realize though it’s not something I can avoid. I like peace. I like harmony. If I can fix a problem, I will, so that it is peaceful. I waved to her later that day as my mom and I were leaving, but she didn’t say anything.
It was an emotional weekend for me. I was supposed to go give a massage, I cancelled it. I needed to take care of myself. I was proud of myself for that though. Normally, I would have gone because I always try to make everyone else happy, but I put myself first. That’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of days too. High five for that.
But I just wanted to write about that. It’s Fall! That makes me happy. How are you all doing?
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin