A Spiritual Healing Journey: Poetry & Prose

A  Spiritual Healing Journey:  Poetry & Prose

Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin

How do we heal?
How do we open our heart?
By patiently and gently giving the love
we want from others to ourselves.
<God’s love>

 

Contents
1.  Here I Am
2.  Perfect (My Younger Self)
3.  Reminded Me Of You
4.  I Didn’t Want To Let Go
5.  I’m Not Mad At You (Yes, I Am)
6.  My Comfort Zone
7.  Living Life
8.  Do You Know Who You Are?
9.  Thank You
10.  Nature
11.  God’s Love
12.  Addicted
13.  I Forgive You
14.  To The Strong Women In My Life (And All Over)
15.  Do You Ever Get Tired Of Being Afraid?
16.  Keep The Faith
17.  A Lesson Learned On Love
18.  I Don’t Know
19.  Letting Go
20.  Hold On
21.  I Can’t Explain It
22.  Fate
23.  True Love
24.  John Coffey
25.  Dreams
26.  Alive
27.  Temporary Fix
28.  Untitled
29.  Enslaved
30.  Silent No More
31.  Surrender
32.  Social Anxiety
33.  Grateful
34.  Seen Not Heard
35.  Ego
36.  Fear Of Loving You
37.  A Calm
38.  Give It All To Him
39.  Her To Him
40.  I Need Your Help
41.  Ready Now
42.  Depression
43.  Me And My Head
44.  Conflicted Feelings
45.  The Heart
46.  Not Alone
47.  A Reminder

 

48.  I Don’t Need Your Love, Love
49.  She Wears A Mask
50.  Soul Craving
51.  The One Who Needs Help
52.  You Gotta Give Yourself The Love You Want
53.  Listen To Your Soul
54.  My Purpose, God
55.  We Are So Much More
56.  Keep The Faith
57.  To The Abandoned
58.  Abandoned Pain
59.  I Know You Mean Well
60.  Healing 101
61.  A Hard Truth
62.  You Were Never Mine
63.  Faith In Me
64.  In Harmony
65.  Sadness
66.  I’m One Too Or Did You Forget?
67.  It Means Nothing
68.  I See You
69.  On Days I’m Missing You
70.  Out Of My Comfort Zone
71.  When Will I?
72.  No Faith
73.  The One
74.  The Biggest Lesson I Learned
75.  One & Free
76.  Creative Being
77.  Lots Of Love
78.  Back & Forth
79.  Forever There
80.  New Beginning
81.  She Is Love
82.  The Chase
83.  Peace Of Mind
84.  Sold My Soul
85.  Believe
86.  I Could Be What You Never Were
87.  Whatever It Is, It’ll Be What’s Good For You
88.  Closed Hearts
89.  As Wide As The Sun

 

 

1.  Here I Am

I’m learning to have faith
because I didn’t for a long time.
In God, in humans.
Myself.
But I wanted to.
I want to.
I figured the only way for me to trust,
to have faith,
was to let go.
Let go of everything.
I was attached.
To him.
My job.
Security.
So I let God take over.
If that’s insane, so be it.
You know what’s insane?
Doing the same crap
over and over for years.
And going nowhere.
That’s insane.
That’s what I was doing.
Maybe I should try something different.
I haven’t been this way.
Let’s see where it goes.
Well,
here I am.
I’m going this way.

 

2.  Perfect (My Younger Self)

I have a problem asking for help
because I’m supposed to know the answer
to everything.
I’m supposed to be perfect.
Because if I’m not perfect then I won’t be loved.
If I’m not loved then I’ll be alone.
If I’m alone then there is no one to take care of me.
If there is no one to take care of me
then I die.
I don’t want to die.
That’s why I have to be perfect.
And that’s why I don’t ask for help.

 

3.  Reminded Me Of You

I woke up this morning
with this song in my head.
They don’t even play it on the radio here.
Anyway, it reminded me of you.
Like everything does.
Somehow I’m supposed to move on.
How does that happen?
When?
The days are moving on,
but I still feel the same.
Regret.
It could have worked.
Or maybe not.
I can’t do it on my own.
How do people open their heart to someone
and then just let them go?
That’s the part
I’m having a hard time with.
I mean I know the answer —
It ain’t working.
Tired of trying.
It’s not good.
I feel like
you did everything you could
to make us not work.
And I did everything I could
to make us work.
That’s the problem.
I can’t fix that.
We don’t talk anymore.
And I can’t forget you.
So now what?

 

4.  I Didn’t Want To Let Go

I didn’t want to let go.

I didn’t want to let go because I didn’t want to feel the pain.
The pain of loss.
The pain of rejection.
The pain of abandonment.
The pain of betrayal and losing trust.
The pain of worthlessness.
The pain of powerlessness.
The pain of feeling I’ve wasted years of my life.
The pain of feeling unloved.
The pain of losing faith.
The pain of analyzing day and night what was and what wasn’t, what was real and what wasn’t. (ANXIETY)
The pain of reality.
A negative view of reality, but still, reality. (DEPRESSION)
Pain, period. I didn’t want to feel it.
So I held on.
I held on hoping he would change,
hoping he would commit,
Because the sooner he would change,
the sooner he would commit,
the sooner I would be free
of pain.
Little did I know, the sooner I changed,
the sooner I let go (something I actually had control over – ME)
The sooner I would be free
of pain.

Faith and trust.
The two things I lost.
Faith and trust.
What I needed the most.
Faith in God and faith that He’d guide me.
Trust that I’m not alone.
Trust that everything happens for a reason.
Faith that one day I will look back and see this was all a blessing.
Faith that once I got through this tornado, on the other side would be peace.

Faith.

I let go of him and turned to HIM…

ME.

And now,
I’m free.

 

5.  I’m Not Mad At You (Yes, I Am)

I’m not mad at you.
I was, but
I’m not anymore.
I had this “idea” of how life should go —
go to school, find a job, fall in love, get married.
Live happily ever after.
Doesn’t that sound lovely?
(I wonder where that came from?  Movies?
Because you know I
can’t take the blame for anything)
Well, it never went that way.
Go figure.
Actually, I take that back.
It did go that way.
Sorta.
I did go to school.
Not the school I wanted,
but I did go.
I did get a job.
Not the job I wanted,
but I got one.
I did fall in love.
With the guy I wanted strangely, but
he must have had another life “idea”.
‘Cause he’s not here.

I was mad.
You messed up my “idea”.
Life went to crap because you
messed up my “idea”.
I tried to cover it up,
pretend to be okay,
but if there’s anything I learned it’s this —
you can’t pretend to be okay
by covering up the pain.
Acknowledge the pain first and then
you can be okay.

I figure the only way to move on is
to never talk again.
Pretend you never exist.
But you did.
You do.
And this morning it hit me.
What if something happened?
God forbid you were dead?
I know that’s morbid, sorry,
but I don’t know,
because I haven’t talked to you.
And all this time,
I’m mad.

I’m done.
I’m not mad at you anymore.
How long do we really have before
we’re gone?
Why am I holding onto this anger?
Because you messed up my “idea”?
Well, maybe,
I should let go of that idea.
Why am I stuck on it anyway?
Whether you commit or not,
I still love you.
But that “idea” is what I want.
So I don’t have to stay mad at you anymore
for not wanting that.
But I can’t stay either.

 

6.  My Comfort Zone

Security is my comfort zone.
A job I hate.
And a man who don’t want me.
But it’s okay because I got money.
And a man on my side.
I got security.
And that’s all I need.

 

7.  Living Life

I was told once that I wasn’t living life.
I wasn’t living life because
I wasn’t married
and I didn’t have kids.
I never knew that’s what defined
my life.
Me.
Whether or not I have a man on my side
and children to tend to.
So what gives my life meaning,
my life worth,
ME worth,
is other people,
basically.
Not me alone.
I don’t mean shit.
Unless I have a man on my side
and children to tend to.
Well, I’m sorry.
Let me go grab some guy off the street
so I can start
living life.

 

8.  Do You Know Who You Are?

Do you know who you are without
your looks?
A job, a career,
a significant other on your side?
Do you know who you are
without money,
nice clothes, a car, no success?
Do you know who you are
with no home,
no family, no friends,
and you’re on your own?
Do you know?

<Just as worthy.>

9.  Thank You

I don’t know what’s going on
or what’s going to happen,
but I want to say Thank You.
Thank you for walking with me,
allowing me to go from one emotion to the next,
and not abandoning me.
I think I – we, as humans –
put unnecessary pressures on ourselves,
to live this ideal,
in order to be accepted in the world.
When all we really need to do is
accept ourselves.
It’s a journey I’m on —
Accepting myself.
And it ain’t an easy one.
But thank you for being there
and allowing me to go at my own pace.
You know how to be there when I need you
and give me the freedom to be me
at the same time.
How do you do that?
I’ve left you,
I’ve abandoned you,
and you’re still here.
You’ve seen the pretty and the ugly,
the light and the dark,
and you’re still here.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for that
kind of love.

10.  Nature

Comfort.
Safe.
Healing.
Peace.
Calm.
Love.
Home.

 

11.  God’s Love

They can’t see her mind,
They can’t see her soul,
They only see her body,
So there her attention goes.

No purpose if not pretty,
It’s what she’s always told,
They say it with their behavior,
Some with their mouths if bold.

Attention equals love,
And love is what she needs,
She’ll focus on her body,
‘Cause it is what they see.

One day she’ll stop caring,
And give herself her love,
She won’t need their attention,
She’ll learn to rise above.

God’s love is what she needed,
She’s had it from the start,
But getting love from others,
Became her favorite art.

They couldn’t see her mind,
They couldn’t see her soul,
They only saw her body,
And now she’s learned to go.

 

12.  Addicted

I know what it feels like to be addicted
to someone.
It’s a drug.
I don’t think anyone intends on getting that way.
It just happens.
And before you know it,
there you are.
You try to let go,
and you know you should,
not just for your sake,
but their sake too.
But you can’t.
You become secretive because you don’t
want others to judge you.
One.  More.  Hit.
“Hit” in our case, “love”, “connection”.
It hurts to let go and it hurts to stay.
Eventually though the staying hurts more
than the letting go.
Letting go is a new journey.
Staying is death.
And you do everything to justify
why you’re staying —
“It’ll get better”, “I’ll fix it”,
“I’ll get it under control”.
But it never does,
and you never do.
Letting go is scary.
It’s the “unknown”.
It might even be worse.
Well, it is scary.
It is the unknown.
And it’s hard at first.
But it gets better.
I’m still on that new journey.
I don’t know what’s going to
happen next,
but I grab God’s hand,
and I take one step at a time,
one day at a time.
You probably wonder why God
would make you
go through hell if He cared about you?
I wondered that sometimes too.
But looking back, I see,
it made me even stronger than I was before.
I know what it feels like to be addicted
to someone.
It’s a drug.
You lose control.
You think you have it, but you don’t.
You’ve given up all power.
And you don’t even realize it.
Take care of yourself.
Heal.
You can’t have little “hits”
every now and then
and expect to get better.
Just know you can live
without them.
And you are never alone.
You’ve got family.
You’ve got friends.
You’ve got pets.
(Don’t underestimate the pets.)
You’ve got God and the whole Universe
on your side.
You are loved.
Remember that always.

 

13.  I Forgive You

I needed your safety, your comfort, your support.
Someone I knew I could go to when
I couldn’t handle the pain
from the outside world.
Someone to listen and tell me it was going to be okay.
I needed that.
To not be pushed away or judged
when I was sad,
when I was angry,
when I was hurt.
I needed to not be afraid to come to you,
to speak up,
to not expect more pain.
I needed you to care.
To ask how my day was.
To smile more when you saw me.
To celebrate when I was happy.
To do things I enjoyed doing —
Together.
To feel loved.
I needed that.
I was a kid.
I needed that.

 

14.  To The Strong Women In My Life
(And All Over)

I woke up this morning with such a great love
for the women in my life.
Strong women.
The pain they’ve been through.
And to still be smiling,
and laughing,
and supportive,
and loving —
that takes strength.
I used to withdraw from them during hard times.
Their love.
Anyone’s love, really.
But I’ve learned during times like that,
especially during times like that,
I need to go to them.
The strong women in my life (and all over),
they know pain.
And they’ll help you back up.
Without the judgement and
constant criticism,
so many are prone to.
That’s what you don’t need.
You need love to help you heal.
And that’s what they are.
And I’m grateful.

 

15.  Do You Ever Get Tired Of Being Afraid?

Do you ever get tired of being afraid?
Holding on because you’re afraid?
Living the way they want because you’re afraid?
Holding up this “perfect” image because you’re afraid?
Following all their rules because you’re afraid?
Hating yourself, your life, because you’re afraid?
Living for them, to impress them, because you’re afraid?
Being controlled because you’re afraid?
Being addicted because you’re afraid?
Being silent because you’re afraid?
I do.  I get tired of being afraid.
I AM TIRED of being afraid.
And that’s why I’m doing this.
That’s why I quit.
That’s why I let go.
Maybe you’ll get tired one day too.
Then you’ll understand.

 

16.  Keep The Faith

It’s hard to follow your heart when there is doubt —
Doubt and criticism from others.
Because then you begin to doubt yourself.
Maybe they’re right?
I don’t know if it makes me sad that they don’t believe me
and I feel alone on this journey,
Or am I sad because they don’t have faith in You?
There is no faith.
I’m lazy, useless, crazy, selfish, wrong.
I’ve heard it all.
Nicer words, of course.
Or even no words at all.
It’s the disappointed look on their faces.
The frustration.
I won’t let their doubts and words make me lose faith.
Help me God, help them, keep the faith.
We do, do, do.
We have to control everything.
It’s all we as humans do.
Sometimes we need to let it come to us.
Have faith.
Let our soul, our intuition, guide us.
Be patient.
Let it come to you.
Keep the faith.

 

17.  A Lesson Learned On Love

Some people are afraid of love.
They’ve been hurt in the past
and it scares them.
They don’t want to hurt like that
ever again.
Love finds them but they don’t know what to do.
They leave.
They aren’t going back down that road again.
It only leads to pain.
It’ll hurt when they leave.
And your brain will concoct all sorts of
reasons as to why they left.
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re ugly.”
“You didn’t try hard enough.”
“You’re worthless.”
On and on and on.
They might even tell you these things themselves,
in order to get you to leave.
Do your best to not take it personally.
It’s not you.
It’s not your job to fix them.
To get them to open up.
To love.
That’s their issue.
Your issue is to love yourself
and to let go.
Because you deserve better
than that.
Don’t always settle for what life gives you.
Sometimes it’s just a test.
To see if you know your worth.

 

18.  I Don’t Know

I don’t know.
Is it okay to say that?
I don’t have it figured out.
Am I supposed to?
It’s hard living
when I don’t know,
but I’m learning.
This is my first time.
I have dreams.
I have goals.
But other than that —
One.  Day.  At.  A.  Time.
I don’t know what I’m having for
breakfast tomorrow,
lunch or dinner.
Let alone today.
Or what I’ll be doing in 5 years,
10 or 20.
I might be dead.
Well, it’s the truth.
In my heart, I know,
I’m going to be okay.
It’s my mind I struggle with.
I don’t know.
But I’m anxious to find out.
I woke up.
I’m breathing.
I must still have a mission.

 

19.  Letting Go

I don’t write these things to hurt you.
I write these things to let go.
Because they’re hurting me.
I can’t live now,
holding onto my life back then.
So please understand it’s not about you.
This is me loving myself for once.
This is me letting go of the pain.
So I can love again.

 

20.  Hold On

Sometimes things happen to you
that you can’t comprehend.
Painful things.
Really painful things.
Things that make you think if God is real,
how could He let that happen?
Why would He let that happen?
Does He hate me?
Am I a bad person?
What did I do wrong?
I thought that way for a long time.
But I learned it was to make me stronger.
Wiser.
So I can love.  So I can help others.
But you don’t see that until after the pain.
The last thing you want to hear,
when you feel like you’re dying inside is,
“It’ll make you stronger.”
How about I’m perfectly fine the way I am?
If I have to go through this to be stronger,
no, thank you.
Well, what if I told you on the other side was peace?
That it’s a tornado right now,
but hold on.
I honestly believe everything that happens to us,
in life,
is to teach us to love.
Ourselves and others.
I didn’t see it that way a long time ago.
I thought the world was out to get me.
Life is good days and bad days.
Days when everything goes right
and days when they’re a bit more challenging.
Hold on.
It’s true.
When the inside becomes calm,
the outside becomes calm too.
God is helping the inside become calm.
It’ll get better.

 

21.  I Can’t Explain It

I quit my job.
Felt disconnected.
Felt zombie-like.
I was there, but
I wasn’t.
Thirteen years of that.
Is that how it’s supposed to feel?
I need passion.
I need drive.
I want to feel something.
I don’t feel anything.
There’s something missing.
I can’t explain it.
You have to feel it.
I felt it.
I quit.

 

22.  Fate

I asked him if he believed in fate.
He laughed and said no.
I do.
The way people appear in my life is way too coincidental.
It makes no sense.
How can I be dropped in a world
where I did not ask to be
and have no guidance?
God is not that cruel.

 

23.  True Love

I always looked for love.
Because I never found it in you.
And all along there it was,
flaws and all
in me.
That’s true love.

 

24.  John Coffey

Sometimes I think I was made sensitive,
so I can absorb other people’s pain.
Like John Coffey.
I’m a real life John Coffey.
Don’t judge me.

 

25.  Dreams

What’s a realistic dream?
‘Cause I get the impression sometimes that I’m
not realistic.
Here, dreams are for others.
Dreams are for her and dreams are for him
But for us, no.
We might not think they’re realistic,
but we all have dreams.
I know my dream,
and you know yours.
But is that all they really are?
A fantasy world?
A mind escape?
A thing we do when we sleep?
Well, why can’t my fantasy world
be my real world?
Sometimes I just want to stop trying.
Go back to what I know.
What if this ends up going nowhere?
This crazy dream of mine.
But I keep going.
Not only for me,
but for you too.
Because I don’t want to regret not trying.
And because I want to believe just like you,
dreams aren’t only for her and him,
they’re for you and me too.

 

26.  Alive

You broke my heart.
You broke my ice, cold heart.
Thank you.
No, really.
Thank you.
I’m alive.
And I can feel again.
It feels so good
to feel again.

 

27.  Temporary Fix

Here, smoke this.
Here, drink this.
Here, pop this pill.
Here, talk to this guy.
Have sex.
You need sex.
Apply to this job.
You’ll make a lot of money.
Move here.
Eat this.
Listen to this.
Watch this.
Buy this.
IT’S.  MY.  MIND.
Nothing outside of myself will give me peace.
IT’S TEMPORARY.
It’s my mind I need to work on.
It’s my mind.

 

28.  Untitled

One day I’d like to know
that what I’m doing is
right.
Not a look of frustration.
A look of confusion.
A look of doubt.
A you’re crazy or
you’re weird.
What’s wrong with you?
You’re wrong.
Just an okay.
I got your back.

 

29.  Enslaved

He treated her like he treated
the rest of the women
in his life.
Like they had no needs.
They were there to serve him
and that was it.
And don’t you dare demand respect
’cause he’d take it out on you
with a vengeance.

 

30.  Silent No More

I don’t want to hide the pain
in order to make some comfortable.
I want to bring it out into the light
in order to give some,
like myself,
peace.

 

31.  Surrender

I didn’t give up,
I surrendered.
There’s a difference.
I kept trying
and it was going nowhere.

 

32.  Social Anxiety

It feels like everyone is looking at me,
judging me,
criticizing every little thing I do,
waiting to find some flaw,
some weakness,
so they can use it against me,
so they can reject me.
I have to be perfect,
but I’m not perfect.
No talking on the phone,
no texting,
no having an opinion.
No talking, period.
No going to job interviews,
and no crowded places.
They’ll think I’m stupid,
boring,
not good enough.
Because I think I’m stupid,
boring,
not good enough.
It silenced me, my anxiety.
It silenced me.

 

33.  Grateful

I look at her and think,
how ungrateful is she?
She’s got everything.
How can she complain?
But I guess I should look at myself.
They look at me and think,
how ungrateful is she?
She’s got everything.
How can she complain.

 

34.  Seen Not Heard

You’re not special, he said.
Women are to be seen, not heard.
That’s when I realized
all my life,
I was living that belief.
What I said was not important.
What I felt was not important.
I am not special.
I am to be seen,
not heard.
Well,
not today.

 

35.  Ego

Pretend like I’ve got
more important things to do
than talk to you.
You hurt me,
and now I don’t want
anything to do with you.
Can’t admit I miss you,
I need you in my life.
That’s my ego,
I can’t let that go.

36.  Fear Of Loving You

We’re different.
Does that mean I have to push you away?
Of course.
Then I won’t have to open my heart.
I won’t have to be vulnerable.
Be close.
Love.
Oh, no, I can’t do that.
I’ll risk getting hurt.
It’ll lead to pain.
I’ve had enough of that.
Loving you makes me uncomfortable.
You’ll see my weaknesses.
But I can’t say that.
I’d rather find fault in you.
I’d rather hate you.
I’d rather push you away.
Separate us.
It makes life easier —
living in my comfort zone.
Then I don’t have to deal with it.
My fear of loving you.
My fear of getting hurt.

 

37.  A Calm

I feel a calm inside today,
and it feels uncomfortable.
Like the calm before
the storm.
Like I should be gearing
up for battle.
What is this?
Maybe it’s the calm after
the storm.
I tell myself it’s okay
to feel it.
I know it’s not normal.
Enjoy it.
Be grateful.
But it’s weird —
How long will it last?
Can it last forever?

 

38.  Give It All To Him

You don’t have to figure it all out.
Give it all to Him.
How to fix your relationships,
if you’ll meet someone,
when you’ll meet someone,
how you’ll pay your bills,
how you’ll get a job,
when you’ll get a job,
how to make money,
what they think of you,
when you’re going to die,
when they’re going to die,
what the next challenge will be,
when things are going to change,
are they ever going to change,
if you have unrealistic dreams,
why you aren’t normal,
what is normal? —
Give it to Him.
You hear that silence.
Good.
Now you can hear Him.
Now you can think.

 

39.  Her To Him

She said to him,
Let me be angry and I’ll let you cry.
Let me be human,
and I’ll let you be too.

 

40.  I Need Your Help

Maybe ’cause I can’t let it go.
I need to let it go.
I’ll go back in time
like I was still there,
and we were in the car.
Don’t look at me like that, you say.
Oooh my mind.
It’ll take me right back.
But you ain’t here now.
You can’t help me now.
I need your help now.

 

41.  Ready Now

It’s been three years,
I’m ready now.
Been crying long enough.
I’m ready now
to leave this phase,
it’s time to start brand new.
God talk to me,
I’m ready now,
been crying long enough
I want to be,
where I belong,
I’m ready to go home.

 

42.  Depression

Sitting high, where
you can’t,
take me under there.
Well you got me,
tired of fighting,
take me where
you lay.
I will follow,
please, be kind —
hide me from the rest.
Now I see you,
and I’m with you,
hold my hand,
we’ll rest.

 

43.  Me And My Head

When is life going to change, God?
I’m tired of waiting.
Sitting here with my
thoughts all day.
Never in my life,
have I,
spent so much time,
inside my head.
Can’t keep busy,
’cause I ain’t got nothing,
to keep my busy.
Just me and my head.
Me and my head.
And some paper
and a pen.

 

44.  Conflicted Feelings

If you didn’t leave
so cold-hearted like you did,
I wouldn’t be here writing,
spilling my heart out about it.
No, I would never wanna
go through it again,
but you leaving made me
have to pause, go within.
I had a lot of growing up to do,
that’s clear, now I see,
but what you did ripped me apart,
it really hurt me.
So much I didn’t know if I could see you again.
You made me not want anything to do with men.
I honestly don’t know where the future will go,
I try to stay positive, but it’s hard you know —
when you had,
at one time,
what you always wanted,
and then it was gone,
now you’re left here with nothing.
I’m learning to move on,
live here without you,
and that makes me happy,
somewhat sad too.
Because at one point in time,
you were my life,
I thought I’d eventually, someday,
be your wife.
And now we don’t talk,
it’s weird how life goes,
you’re still on my mind,
I’m afraid to say so.
I don’t know what’s going on,
I’m ready to start new,
I hate you for what you did,
but I’m missing you too.

 

45.  The Heart

The heart is a strange thing.
It will get betrayed,
lied to,
stomped on,
ripped apart,
torn to pieces,
and still want to turn around
and give you a hug.
When do you get mad?!
I want you to get mad.

 

46.  Not Alone

With animals, no.
In nature, no.
With God, not anymore.
But with humans, yes.
Since I can remember,
I’ve always felt different.
I’ve always felt alone.
It’s mostly my own choosing.
My own fear.
Opening up gets you hurt.
But if I want to connect,
I have to have the courage
to open up,
to talk about the things I
don’t want to talk about.
Maybe because I’m not the
only one that feels that way.
Maybe others feel alone too.
Then, that’s connection.
Then,
we’re not alone anymore.

 

47.  A Reminder

Let them take
all they want,
your love comes from within,
and as long
as you have that,
you’ll forever win.

 

48.  I Don’t Need Your Love, Love

I don’t need your love, love,
I’ve learned some time ago,
to depend on myself,
survive on my own,
only look to the one above, love.

That might sound cold,
I don’t mean to hurt,
it’s just the way I am,
I depended on people for way too long,
people who don’t give a damn.

 

49.  She Wears A Mask

She wears a mask,
she’s full of hurt,
she covers it up so sweet.
I see right through,
Won’t you take it off?
It’s okay,
you can
open your heart,
breathe.

 

50.  Soul Craving

There’s a life I’ve always wanted,
way up high in the mountain,
with my dogs,
my cottage house,
my paper and my pen.

The quiet life,
a simple life,
it’s what my soul craves,
sitting by a sparkling lake,
drinking lemonade for days.

 

51.  The One Who Needs Help

It’s a horrible feeling.
To feel worthless.
To feel
you have no purpose.
To be the one
who needs help.
The disgust on their face when they look at you.
I know now how it feels.
To depend on others.
To need help.
It’s so easy to judge.
They’ve never been in your shoes.
It’s so easy to get angry.
Deem them weak,
inferior,
poor.
Can you put yourself
in their shoes?
Of course you can.
And you’d do so much better,
wouldn’t you?
You’d be so much stronger.
Well, luckily you only have to imagine.
‘Cause God forbid you were actually
in their shoes.
You’d probably have a little more heart.
It’s a horrible feeling to feel worthless.
To feel you have no purpose.
To be the one who needs help.
I don’t think anyone
wants to feel
that way.

 

52.  You Gotta Give Yourself The Love You Want

I wake up,
I have to watch
something funny,
I have to talk to God,
I’m panicking,
I’m alone,
and I ain’t got a job.
Oh, that mind of mine.
I have to sit down and chat.
There ain’t nothing
to be panicking about, love.
If I tell you everything
will be okay —
you’re doing just fine.
Will that calm you down?
‘Cause you are.
You’re doing just fine.
I know you don’t want
to hear that,
you’re tired of waiting.
Oh, I know you’re tired of waiting.
But you’re doing just fine.

See, I learned
you gotta talk to yourself like
you want others
to talk to you.
You gotta give
yourself the love
you want.
I’m calm, now,
how about that,
I’m calm.

 

53.  Listen To Your Soul

No one has to run around with their head chopped off trying to figure out what to do.  Trying to figure out life.  Be still.  Learn to listen to your soul.  Your intuition.  God will guide you through your soul.  All you have to do is have the faith to ask.  Ask and listen and then wait.  Say what you want, in your mind or out loud, and wait.  You deserve a good life like everyone else.  Whatever that means to you.  It’s different for everyone.  You have to believe it though.  You have to believe you are worthy.  You might not understand what’s going on right now, but keep the faith and trust that God loves you and be patient.

 

54.  My Purpose, God

My purpose, God,
I don’t know.
I hope one day you show me.
Tell me, all this will be worth it.
Tell me,
I’m not wasting time.
This year has been tough.
It’s hard to sit and wait.
They all tell me DO something.
I AM —
I’m listening to God.
No, DO something they say.
They say they are worried.
They think I’ve given up.
God is what I say.
I’m learning to trust God.
I question if I’ve lost it.
Been too long by myself?
Maybe they are right.
Am I making a mistake?
But I know we aren’t alone here.
Look at nature.
Look at us!
You can see that.
Is that not God?
It won’t last forever.
I’ve learned from situations past —
No, it won’t last forever.
Hard times never last.
This year has been tough.
It’s hard to sit and wait.
My purpose, God,
I don’t know.
I hope one day you show me.
Tell me, all this will be worth it.
Tell me,
I’m not wasting time.
You say keep holding on.
Trust me.
Trust you.
So here I am.
That is what I’ll do.

 

55.  We Are So Much More

I hate seeing little girls so self-conscious about their looks.
I see me.
Brainwashed.
So early.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with caring about our bodies.
Loving our physical bodies.
It’s when we believe our only worth comes from our bodies.
When we believe we have nothing else to offer.
That if we don’t look a certain way we can’t be loved.
Me for so long.
I’m still healing from that mindset.
That belief.
We are so much more than our bodies.
We CAN be loved just the way we are,
but it starts with us first.
God I wish everyone could see that.
Girls and boys.
Women and men.

 

56.  Keep The Faith

What I wanted was a
“It’s going to be okay.”
“Don’t give up.”
Faith.
Compassion.
Instead I got a
“You’re wrong.”
“Snap out of it.”
Shame.
Anger.
So I learned to tell myself
“It’s going to be okay.”
I learned to tell myself
“Don’t give up.”
I learned to tell myself
“Keep the faith.”
I learned to give myself
compassion.
Maybe that was the lesson
all along.

 

57.  To The Abandoned

They just want the same as you,
but don’t know how to say it.
Instead they hurt you,
and desert you,
it’s all they know to do.
Well, turn it around,
I know it’s hard,
take care of yourself first.
If that means leave,
do it please,
make sure it won’t get worse.
They want love,
the same as you,
but don’t know how to say it.
Instead they hurt you,
and desert you,
it’s all they know to do.
I’m not saying
to be best friends,
to stay with them,
let them hurt you.
I’m saying it
helped to forgive,
move on peacefully and live,
seeing that’s a
human
looking at you.

 

58.  Abandoned Pain

It’s not like your dead.
You’re alive.
And you chose fear
over love.
That’s why it hurts.
I always thought love
was more powerful than
anything else.
If you love someone,
how do you just leave?
Maybe that’s how —
you never loved me.

 

59.  I Know You Mean Well

I don’t know if I’m tired of defending,
or the anger is no longer there,
but when it comes to their judgements and critiques,
I no longer care?
I know they mean well,
I listen to them,
what’s true to me I do,
but at the end of the day,
it’s my life right?
I do me, and you —
you do you.

 

60.  Healing 101

In order to heal,
we have to face
what we don’t
want to feel.

God is here.
We’re not alone.

—————————————————

They say let go of the past,
Well, you can’t let go
of what’s hidden in the dark.
Bring it into the light.

 

61.  A Hard Truth

How can I blame you for leaving,
for not loving me,
when I don’t know
if I loved you,
or if I
just wanted someone
to love me?

 

62.   You Were Never Mine

How do you leave?
I always ask,
wanting some closure,
some kind of relief.
Maybe it’s something
I won’t get from you,
maybe it’s something
in which words just won’t do.

I came to realize
that you weren’t mine,
it’s a hard truth for sure,
but, man, that is life.
The sooner I see
you don’t belong to me,
the sooner I believe,
I can let go,
be free.

 

63.  Faith In Me

I always said,
if you were here,
my life would be
different.
I’d be happy,
I could live.
And there’d be
no more worry.

To give someone
so much power
over my
quality of life —
what an
awful, awful
thing.

To not believe
I can live that
on my own,
Where is all
the faith
in me?

 

64.  In Harmony

He lived in his own world,
he did not care,
what made her unhappy,
he could not bear.
For it took away from him,
even if he was the cause,
he’d throw a fit,
in rage of it all.

She on the other hand,
hated her world,
the chaos inside,
threw her life in a whirl.
So she avoided it all,
took care of others,
forgetting herself,
being everyone’s mother.

Balance
she learned,
is the key.
I can’t take care of others
without taking care of “me”.
And in life,
he will see,
no care for others,
will leave him,
lonely.

Don’t do it for the attention,
Don’t do it for their love,
Do it ’cause it’s in your heart,
it’s love from up above.

But what do you do,
when it’s hard to care,
past trauma has hurt you,
your heart you can’t share?

True love you deserve,
but first I would heal,
have faith that one day,
the one  for you,
your heart,
they will steal.

 

65.  Sadness

Driving down the road today,
It’s beautiful out here,
Wouldn’t know, I’ve been inside,
Oh, boy, here come the tears.

She has got a hold of me,
She’s taking me away,
She says why won’t you hang with me?
Come talk to me, let’s play.

Aww, okay, I’m sorry,
I’ll stop pushing you away,
We can hang, let’s be friends,
What shall we do today?

Yay! You’re going to be with me,
Come, let’s go outside,
Let’s watch movies,
we can write,
You and me, yippee!

She comes to visit now and then,
She likes when it’s just us,
I’m learning not to run away,
Embrace our time, not fuss.

 

66.  I’m One Too Or Did You Forget?

I always knew
if you did not change,
I’d have to let you go,
Our ways of being,
our morals,
were nowhere near the same.
I think that’s why I tried to “fix” you,
I loved you,
I didn’t want you gone,
but I could not be around
someone who treated 
women the way you did,
as if they were your mom.

 

67.  It Means Nothing

I feel
the pain in my stomach.
The guilt from letting go.
I’m no better.
People change.
Sometimes I think
it’s all a wave —
feelings, emotions.
I feel this way today,
I feel this right now,
come an hour later,
I feel a different way.
It means nothing.
No need to hold on.
It means nothing.
It was yesterday.

 

68.  I See You

To feel ignored, 
to feel unseen,
it’s what I’ve felt all my life, God.
Not good enough.

But don’t take it personally.
It’s got nothing to do with you.
When you feel ignored or unloved,
sit and feel it.
It’s not the best feeling.
But just sit and feel it.
Don’t fight it.
Cry if that’s what you feel.
It’ll slowly fade away, that feeling.
That, dear, is healing.

I’m here.
I hear you.
And I see you too.

 

69.  On Days I’m Missing You

When I’m lonely, feeling low,
I remind my heart why I let go,
Truth, kindness, love I crave,
so truth, kindness, love I gave.

 

70.  Out Of My Comfort Zone

Holding it in, what I did best,
it kept it peaceful, no pain, no mess.
But inside was loud, it needed to be heard,
I’d go within and put down some words.
I love to write and I love to share,
but it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and bare.
So, yes, sometimes I crawl back home,
to what I know my comfort zone.
It’s where I keep it all inside,
it’s where my feelings are safe to hide.
I know it’s good to let it go,
to open my heart and let it show.
But when you’ve concealed it for some time,
it’s quite uncomfortable to let it shine.
But I’ll keep going even when scared,
I comfort my heart, I say a prayer.
Because I know it’s what I need to do,
to open up and speak my truth.  

 

71.  When Will I?

I so desperately want you
to look at me and see
a beautiful human,
a beautiful soul,
worthy of your time.

Like I so desperately want me
to look at myself and see
a beautiful human,
a beautiful soul,
worthy of my time.

But you won’t.

When will I?

 

72.  No Faith

We lost faith in ourselves, and so, we lost faith in each other.

When we have faith that we can change, (we CAN), then we’ll have faith that others can change too.  

 

73.  The One

We’re looking for connection.
We’re looking for the “One”.
We’re looking for God.
And God’s within us.

 

74.  The Biggest Lesson I Learned

When it’s just you, your soul, and your brain alone for an entire year, you come to a lot of realizations.  One of them being that that “soul mate” you’ve been waiting for your entire life is YOU.

 

75.  One & Free

You’re in your cage and I’m in mine,
neither of us are free,
“You come to my cage!”,
“No, you come to mine!”,
No one will step out you see.

We want to be One and we want to be free,
we force each other to leave —
the comfort we know,
the place we feel safe,
where we belong, we believe.

We can be One and we can be free,
if we’d both step out our cage,
I’ll come half-way, you come the other,
Be free together on a new page.

 

76.  Creative Being

We won’t worry and we won’t fret,
shall obstacles come our way,
For we are born creative beings,
and we will be okay.

 

77.  Lots Of Love

Pain is what keeps us attached to the past.  If we heal and let go of that pain, forgive, what is left?

Love.  

 

78.  Back & Forth

Back and forth we go,
it’s been this way too long,
tell me what you want,
for me to stay or to be gone.

I don’t want to do this,
please, make up your mind,
you see me here forever?
Or as someone to pass the time?

I know what I want,
but does it really matter?
Should I kiss goodbye
to this happily ever after?

We’ll get close again, 
then you’ll push me away,
and then you’ll get mad,
because I won’t stay.

Way too many years,
we’ve been doing this crap,
if it’s time to quit,
let’s call it a wrap.  

But I always say that,
and you know it’s never true,
because my heart won’t let go,
my soul loves you.

 

79.  Forever There

For someone who hates the idea of “forever”,
who cringes at being “tied down”,
God sure ain’t letting you leave my mind,
’cause there’s no station, no show, no movie, nor town,
where your name hasn’t yet to be found.

 

80.  New Beginning

A new beginning,
a new start,
a letting go of all the pain
in our hearts.
When the walls come down, 
the light gets in,
and now we’re free 
to begin again. 

 

81.  She Is Love

She isn’t afraid of love.
No.  How could she be?
She is love.
What she’s afraid of
is love being rejected.
Because rejected love
is rejected She.
She.  Is.  Love.

 

82.  The Chase

Some days I wake up,
days like today,
and I wonder why
I’m chasing.
Chasing money,
chasing love,
chasing dreams,
chasing adventure.
All that chasing —
I’m out of breath.
Maybe I should just stay still.
See what comes to me.

 

83.  Peace Of Mind

I feel the key to a peace of mind is a happy soul.  The key to a happy soul is
1.)  Knowing that we ARE a soul and then
2.) Listening to what our soul wants through our intuition (a.k.a divine guidance) and then DOING IT.
Then ta-da!  You have a peace of mind.

 

84.  Sold My Soul

I sold my soul in turn for love,
more from you I need,
too much giving, barely receiving,
look at my soul as it bleeds —
out of my body,
no “me” in me left,
I’ve given you all within,
I’m dying inside, I have to let go,
and breathe life into my soul again.

 

85.  Believe

Imagine you’re a child.
You have no worries.
No cares.
You’re in your mother’s or father’s arms.
Just lying there.
Not worrying about a thing.
Not worrying about the past.
Not worrying about the future.
No one’s judging you.
You’re just free to be
in your mother’s/father’s arms.
You’re loved.

Hold that thought and feeling.

Instead of imagining it now —

B E L I E V E.

God/the Universe is your mother/father.
You have no worries.
Give God all you worries.
You don’t have to worry about the past.
You don’t have to worry about the future.
You’re loved.
You’re taken care of.
You’re free to be.
Believe.

 

86.  I Could Be What You Never Were

I want someone who will be there,
I want someone who shows they care,
I force it on you, 
And expect you to pull through,
But maybe, maybe you can’t.

Maybe you’re dealing with too much inside,
Maybe you don’t want me to see what you hide,
Maybe you think you have to do it on your own,
Maybe you’d rather be left all alone.

I’m still not sure what’s going on,
This lack of love I’ve held on too long,
I’ve learned to be the love I need,
The pain I’ve held has now been freed.

I’m not mad, no, not anymore,
I forgive you, I’ve healed this sore, 
Sometimes I wonder though why I would?
Forgive you after what I’ve been through, 
I could be vengeful and even the score,
Or maybe I could be what you never were,
Maybe, just maybe, you need love more. 

 

87.  Whatever It Is, It’ll Be What’s Good For You

There’s a battle inside,
It’s one of hope,
To let it go or keep afloat.
‘Cause what happens when the fire’s all gone?
Will I disappear in the cold, dark night?
Or will I just shiver ’til the morning’s light?
I hold so tight, with all my might,
To this thing we all call hope,
But to let it go,
And trust above,
Oh, God —
what a relief.

 

88.  Closed Hearts

Blamed your for leaving, for walking away,
Blamed you for cheating, not wanting to stay,
Blamed you for indifference, not showing you cared,
Blamed you for never being there.
But the truth of the matter, what tore us apart,
You can’t have love and a closed heart.

 

89.  As Wide As The Sun

What do I do with all this love?
Where is my lover to love?
Imagine if God
only gave love
to one…
You can give love to the plants outside,
Give love with a compliment to the cashier inside,
Give love to your mother and bake her a cake,
Give love to your neighbor, go out to the lake,
Give love to your father and give him a call,
Give love to the lady who wants to brawl,
Give love at a shelter, help out in there,
Love, you have wisdom you can share,
Give yourself love and soak in a bath,
Meet up with a friend who needs a laugh,
There are so many people who need love in this world,
Why do we designate love to only one boy or girl?
Dear, if you can open your heart to one,
Spread that love as wide as the sun.

 

 

 Copyright 2018 Sonja Jackson.

Permission to share with credit.

Thank you all for the love and support.
You’re not alone.  Keep the faith.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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