I’d imagine we’d all like our home to be peaceful, right? We shouldn’t have to run from it. It should be our comfort place. It should feel safe. A loving place. Well, within, is our home. And I believe we can all have that. But when there is a lot of “chaos” inside (anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, insecurities, pain, sadness etc), we tend to run from it. (Don’t shame yourself for any of these feelings.)
I used to literally move to other states when the pain inside was too much. I thought it would go away, but, of course, it was still there. I would think, oh, if I met someone then all my problems – my feelings of low worth, loneliness, insecurity – would just magically go away. Nope, still there. I got a new job/got paid more money – nope, problems still there. I found I can’t run from that chaos inside. I didn’t even know I was running from it honestly. I thought it was just me.
I found I had to go within, acknowledge the pain (for me, it was a whole lot of shame, guilt, anger, loneliness, low self-esteem and self-confidence), address what’s causing it (a lot of negative beliefs that I needed to change/let go of and people I needed to let go of), feel it, accept it, and through all of it patiently give myself that love I was looking for. It doesn’t happen overnight.
But we’re not alone. We don’t have to do it alone. We can ask for help. I turned to God. Especially on those days when I was so full of hopelessness and I couldn’t move anymore and just getting up and going to the bathroom was a damn accomplishment. There’s a reason for everything. I strongly believe it. No matter how many times you get knocked down or come across challenges, comfort yourself, talk to God, get guidance (your intuition) and then get back up. You never know how close you are to your dream/your goal.
“When the road gets dark,
And you can no longer see,
Just let my love throw a spark,
And have a little faith in me”
-John Hiatt/Have A Little Faith In Me
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin
P.S. – I condensed a lot of my poems/prose (89) that I’ve written on this healing journey of mine and I put it into one blog post. Honestly, it felt good. Like I literally let the past go. Have a read if you want. It’s 33 minutes long.
A Spiritual Healing Journey: Poetry & Prose