Chasing others for love. If there is anything I’m an expert at, it is that. You might not think so, because I’ve only been with one person romantically my entire life (who I chased practically the entire time we were involved). But I’m not just talking about lovers, I’m talking about people in general. Family, friends, co-workers, strangers etc. Even though I’ve always been a lone wolf type person, deep down I’ve always craved love and as result, I turned into a people-pleaser.
I feel like I was always chasing my parents for love until I learned to suppress it and (act like) I didn’t need it. My biological father was not in the picture, my step-father (who I call dad) I felt didn’t like me for whatever reason, my mom was always working and she suffered from bouts of depression, so I always felt alone. I had my brother who was four years younger than me, but we were completely different and did not get along. We still are different, but we get along much better now. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I needed love, but I suppressed it. I used to think when I was younger, once I met someone, I would be happy. They would give me all the love I’m looking for. Now, I know, that’s not exactly how it works haha, but, hey, can a girl dream.
I met my ex when I was 24. I’m 32 now. I call him my ex because it makes it easy. We actually never had a label. We were “friends with benefits”. But we were more than that. It wasn’t until last year that we officially stopped “talking”. Neither one of us would let go. I honestly thought we would be together forever, but he never wanted to commit. So last year, I said enough is enough, I’m tired of chasing and I let go. He ended up meeting someone else, but it was 8 years of me chasing someone for love.
My dad is the same. It wasn’t until last year that I realized I’ve been chasing my dad for love all my life. I’ve always tried to win him over just like I did with my ex. Then I learned to turn to God and myself for love. And now I’m here. I met someone new recently. And what happened? It was strong at first, but now he’s disappeared. My instinct is to go chase him, but I’ve learned not to do that anymore. If I feel people pulling away, let them go. I’m actually quite proud of myself. I really like this guy, but I’m not chasing anymore. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. I just listen to my intuition.
It’s hard to write about stuff as you’re going through it. It’s that fear of making a mistake, or making a fool out of yourself. But I guess I do it to show people, hey, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes too. It’s okay. It’s how you learn. And also because I just don’t care anymore. I don’t know what’s going to happen with this guy. I like him. I’d like to talk more. He’s actually the first person that made me forget about my ex. But I’m not going to chase anymore. Maybe he needs some space. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and that’s okay. It’s okay. It makes me anxious, but to cope I do what I’ve always done – meditate/talk to God, focus on writing and family/friends.
-Sonja Jackson, OpenHeartTin